The Shaadi Conundrum

As a 24 year old self-sustaining Indian man, it was only a matter of time before my mother cornered me with, “Beta shaadi ka kya soche ho?” Taken literally, it is an innocent question that goes, “Son, have you given marriage a thought?” It would be wise, though, not to be fooled into thinking that. When your Indian parent asks you this question, what you should actually be hearing in your head is the bell that starts a round of boxing. Round One, ladies and gentlemen, has just begun.

Since the time of Lal Krishna Advani (or the dinosaurs, if you may), arranged marriages have been an integral part of what we know as “bharatiya sanskriti”. Our parents went through it, our grandparents went through it and their grandparents went through it. So laughing it off in your mother’s face might work once, or twice, or thrice (if you’re really lucky), but eventually, you’re going to get a piece of her mind. Knowing Indian mothers, this is going to be one hell of a party pooper for your peace of mind. You are a cornered slice of meat and you know it.

But fear not, because you aren’t the first, and you won’t be the last person to have to talk his/her way out of this. We’ve got a plan that might just get you out of this quagmire and back into the pile of jumbled clothes and take-away food that your life is.

Step 1: Understanding the Enemy

No battle was ever won without an intricate understanding of the enemy’s movements, position, and most importantly, psyche. The sooner you admit that this is a battle that you can’t run away from, the better. Think back on your schooling, your college, your job. All of it has been for that one moment, when your parents can completely flip out and put ads on a matrimony page in a national newspaper. (Special mention for the doctor couple who won’t make do with anything other than a gynaecologist bahu.)

 

The enemy has been preparing for this moment since you were born. They know how you think and they WILL use it against you. Thankfully, you are not without help. You know your parents as well as they know you. Just do your homework well and you should be able to predict their next move well in advance. Find out who they hang out with, what they’ve been reading lately, the candidates they are looking to tie you down with and you’re more or less sorted in this department.

Step Two: Weapons Training

Sticks and stones may break your bones, but this battle is fought with neither. You must prepare to face the Rant-47 (fired in short, angry bursts), the Dismiszer Cannon (shoots any logic out of the nearest window), the Emo Grenade (all your sentiments belong to me), and the deadliest one – the Big Daddy (“Dad wants to talk to you”). You, my dear friend, have none of these weapons. Most of what you have in your arsenal (when unprepared), will be tracked and shot down by the MoM Radar. So what do you do? Duh! Get weapons of your own!

If you did Step One properly, you have probably acquired the Indifference Shield, which neutralises the Rant-47, and allows you to… well… keep calm and carry on. A Logic Retriever Dog will be your best friend whenever the Dismiszer fires. It chases the dismissed logic, brings it back to you and allows you to keep plowing the enemy with the same until headway is made. It will also lick your face every time it retrieves logic, making sure your Emo Guard is always up!

Step Three: Tiptoeing around Big Daddy

This humongous weapon fires a single shot and rarely misses. Think dreams, think mushroom cloud. Fortunately for you, the Big Daddy CAN be tackled. All you need to do is make sure you’ve captured all the other enemies. Whether you want them as prisoners of war or allies is completely up to you. While engaging other enemies, be careful not to wake the sleeping giant up. Once that is done, and you have all of their weapons disabled or acquired, fire at will. Victory will be yours.

Step Four: Declaring War

As simple as it may seem, this is a tricky area. Timing is crucial. Turn to Mother India for advice. Never before has this country actually started a war. Wait for provocation. Once provoked, issue a warning and begin your preparation. Twice provoked, declare your war cry. Thrice provoked, attack!

Good luck, comrade.