What NOT to do when drunk!

We all have had that one night when we were so smashed that we ended up becoming utter fools in front of our buddies (who were also pretty insane, actually).  Whether it was a break-up that triggered it on or a grand celebration that brought the bottles out, it was one massive night of drinking…having a bit of fun is no harm, but there are certain things that you should remember NOT to do when drunk like a skunk. Memorize it well, so even if your other senses go wonky after a quarter, you’ll be able to recall this piece. Cheers!

Note: This piece doesn’t include stuff like ‘don’t play Gangnum Style 103 times’,’don’t pull a fast one on the bouncer who looks like a mini continent’ and ‘don’t start putting on accents when you know you royally suck at it’ and so on…we expect you to be aware of these things, bro!

 

Calling up the ex:
Of course you know this! Yet you do this. Everyfriggingtime. The next time you fear your Jack will take you to the land of drunkenness, just pull out the bloody sim card from your phone and keep it in your wallet. When you don’t have any means to call your ex, you’d probably let your feelings ebb away. It not only makes you look like an utter fool, but also shows how you haven’t moved on…while your ex is making elaborate honeymoon plans. This also ruins any opportunity for someone special entering your life as nobody wants to be with a person who is not over their ex. Pull out sim. Drink. Move on. Easy to remember, mate? Even if you’re lying on the road with blood oozing out from your stomach and your ex is the only person alive on earth, don’t call him/her.

Going into panic mode:
Sometimes, when you have had too many, you can feel like all your senses are going for a toss. You might even feel that you’re going blind. All that is bull. You’re drunk, that’s all! There’s nothing wrong with you…when the alcohol is flushed out of your system, you’ll regain all your senses. So, don’t panic and create a scene. Because even if people don’t remember the pool-side party that much, they’d be talking about your ‘silly’ behavior for the rest of their lives.

No bets and bravery, please!
Your adrenaline is pumping and you know you can land up on the moon if you ran a little faster. Ah, well…bad news. That’s just your rum talking. You have no power whatsoever so don’t indulge in bets and bravery after a round of scotch neat. Even if somebody asks you to jump off a tall building to prove your friendship, bitchslap them in the face and move on. You don’t want to end up losing your teeth (remember Hangover?) or arm or valuables in a state of super strength. Don’t drive/ride either. You could be Michael Schumacher, but driving when drunk is trickier than the F1 races. And let’s admit it, death isn’t that great, yeah? Let’s concentrate on staying alive.

Talking bad!
After a round of Whiskey, the tongue does become slippery. But that doesn’t mean that you talk crap about those you’re hanging out with. They may be as drunk as you’re and probably won’t recall a thing in the morning, but it’s not right to be dirty with them. Try not to think of any bad incident or anybody you hate as that can trigger a series of events that would send you straight to hall of shame. So, please. If you really hate somebody’s guts and want to punch them in the face…do it sober. You’ll remember and so will he. Don’t shriek out ‘I hate you ass****’ in the general direction of the said ass****. Save it for later.

Responding to work emails:
We know your ‘spirits’ are up, but please don’t send a ‘hey, dude! I will those goddamn files by noon. See yaa later…xoxo’ to your boss. Please don’t. Unless you want to sit at home from the next day, abstain from answering work emails. Don’t put of Facebook/Twitter status or start blogging about your night of debauchery. And whatever you do, just don’t Google search someone on your Facebook wall…especially, your ex. Oh, lord…

Saying ‘I don’t have to pee’
Oh, bugger. You DO have to pee. You’re being stupid to not move your ass into the loo because you think you don’t have to pee before leaving the pub/house party/pool-side party/whatever. But when you do leave that place and your bladder is bursting with nowhere to turn to, you’d be slapping yourself hard. Even if moving your ass out of the chair is akin to pulling your own eyeballs out, just go and pee before stepping out. Hear?